I can't sleep. I think I have a very mild addiction to sleeping pills because when I don't take them I toss and turn endlessly. Tonight is one of those nights, although my mind is more restless than my body. 

I'm not sure whether it's the endless hours spent in therapy, discussing every single relationship I have ever had in embarrassing detail or The Sex & The City marathon I'm going through at the moment, induced by my latest fashion faux pas, a leg cast, set in place to heal my broken ankle (stiletto's, champagne and Stephanie- lets so not go there.) but for some reason I am obsessed by the idea of relationships. 

I'm 23, I'm single- apparently I'm a mess. 

This raises a few questions in my mind- like the age old 'why is a single woman a mess, but a single man having the time of his life?'. 

Why am I, an intelligent, articulate and beautiful young lady, validated by my relationship status?

Why does an unwillingness to settle for just any man put us women into a bad light? 

I try to be independent, and I try even harder to be happy with this independence- but I'm made to question how genuine my happiness is every day. My mother, my friends, both girls and boys put it on me at any given opportunity, and then there are old friends, who we only see sporadically, but who's opening question is always the same- 'How's your love life darling?'.

I say fine, and it is, but when I explain that fine for me means 'single and fabulous', they look at me with so much pity and belittling understanding that I could take off one of my fabulous shoes and hit them with it. (Shoes that I bought myself by the way...) 

I am cautious, and so I should be- how many of my friends in relationship bliss actually ever feel that blissful? Why hasn't he called? Why doesn't he like this dress? Why haven't we had sex in two months? Why, why, why?

Personally I couldn't care less why, and that is because the only person I need worry about is me. 

I don't claim it to be a bed of roses, God knows that life with a broken ankle would be less excruciatingly boring if I had a significant other- but if the only time I want a boyfriend is when I've broken a bone then I think I'm pretty much out of it. 

Ciao! x

He opens the champagne, pours it into two glasses, previously chilled. 

I sit nervous, tapping my foot, surveying a relationship I thought had been killed.

Wondering what subject we will dance around next, parties or fashion?

He takes me to his room, shows me his new shoes, seemingly his only real passion.

New accessories on his dresser and a heated marble floor in his en-suite, 

I sit on his bed, noticing the new 300 count Egyptian cotton sheets.

I have butterfly's in my stomach, and wish I could sip my drink more slowly, 

I'm wearing the best dress I own, I bought a new clutch bag especially.

Yet I still feel under dressed, wishing I'd had my hair blow dried, 

Wishing I hadn't had my nails painted this colour, and wishing I could hide.

We walk back to the kitchen, more alcohol, liquid lunches are the thing you know?

It matters little that he saw me pop my medication fifteen minutes ago.

Lunch is light, of course, a salad and another glass of champagne. 

I wonder what I'm selling and why I'm on this campaign. 

It's time to leave, he calls me a cab, 

Hands me a wad of cash which I place in my new handbag.

A kiss on the cheek, and a tear forms, 

My mask is slipping, its time to be gone. 

'Bye Dad, thanks for having me'.

'My pleasure darling, I'll stay in touch'- we'll see. 

THE FOUR TYPES OF MEN- that I know anywayyyyyy.

Co-dizzle in chief recently posted a 'note' on facebook about the 'Four Types of Women'- I feel compelled to in turn describe the varying types of men- (why??!!!- because the moment took me...) 

I won't suggest that these are the only types of men in existence- BUT I'm sure if you had so squeeze yourself into one of them, you'd manage.

And so to business...

Mr 'Watcha Know About SWAGGER SWAGGER'- 

Those who know me KNOW who I might be referring to; 

He is arrogant, rude, rarely genuine, cheats, lies, is never on time, lives by the rule that 'one rule for 'us', is altogether another for him', and so on and so forth. Unfortunately for all of his victims he is handsome, imploringly sexy, and more charming than any prince in any fairytale and is able to use these talents to entrap even the most savy of females. We will all meet one at some point, everyone will warn us to stay away, to be smart etc... and it is up to us to decide whether the exciting ride is worth the emotional and LONG come down that follows the end of this 'relationship'. 

Mr 'Sensitive Manipulator'- 

This man has the potential to be more dangerous than Mr. Swagger Swagger because no one suspects him of his manipulation, he is sweet, kind, liked by all, quiet and funny and doesn't launch his attack until you have finally convinced yourself that maybe 'the nice guy' has finally come along. He always gestured towards what you could have, always insinuated love, pretended you two were on the same page BUT when its crunch time- he still has a girl, he's not ready to commit, it's too complicated- THE LIST OF EXCUSES IS L.O.N.G. 

This man is insecure, and wants to be liked by everyone- without necessarily giving much back. He'll live a life of regrets, because, REALLY, he is not a bad guy- he just doesn't really know another way to live. 

Mr 'Genuinely, Actually, Really NICE'- 

Ladies, ladies, WHAT IS WRONG WITH US??- we have all encountered him and we have all (well, mostly..) let him go- I say let him, more like we've run in the opposite direction. 

He is honest and open and when he meets the right girl he is on it and right there whenever she calls. 

He doesn't play games and is not scared of the word commitment- which is odd because in return us girls tend to become infatuated with anything that ISN'T serious. 

He is the man that that we'll regret, miss and long for- but by the time we get there he'll be LONG GONE. (Catch him while you can.........) 

Mr 'Playboi Attributes'

Hmmm, now this one is a straight up player- he is very open about his motives and doesn't fuck around- which is refreshing. 

He'll take your number and when he calls his lyrics are more on the wave lenght of 'my bedroom or yours?'. If you are that type of girl then this could be a very 'loving' relationship. 

His honesty is appreciated and only a stupid girl will get involved with him hoping to change him- He just ain't ready to settle down ladies, take the hint- he might never be....

I think that is fairly accurate account, unfortunately an altogether negative one, which is why I'm joining a convent, thanks. 

ALTHOUGH- hopefully, for the sake of man kind, they will ALL grow out of IT, and when they do might just become perfect husband material. Be patient girls. 

<3

All she wanna talk about is partying and fashion.....

SO! 

Back from the dead and ready to start next week with a fresh outlook. 

Watch This Space Kids.

Its going to be a shocker. 

<3

Missed Me?

Well, it's been about a month since my last entry, and whilst I have been furiously busy for various reasons, the truth is I've had writers block. 

In my month of silence I've learnt a lot, about family, about friends, and about myself. I have taken a step back, taken off my rose tinted glasses, and looked at everyone around me with exhaustive scrutiny. If I observed them with an obscene intensity, it is nothing on the way I looked at myself. 

What I've learnt about everyone, can be filtered down into one phrase, and I MUST NOT forget it (and am therefore publishing it for sake of reference), it was told to me by a very special friend. 

"I chose to rely on me, then only I can let me down." 

In a society where those who live lives of corruption, selfishness and self-obsession get the furthest, it leaves the few trying their best to be the best for others in a jealous yet self righteous limbo. I've been in this limbo, you have been in this limbo- where did you go? Did you give in to the call of the morally questionable, but fabulously successful dark-side? Or are you still clinging on to your innocent beliefs that the good will prevail, that hard work pays off, and that good things come to those who wait?

I've been in limbo- everyday I lean closer to one, and last night I fell out of limbo and dropped into the world of corruption- all that glitters here, is for you to take- come and join me. 

Live by rules like "Loyalty is Everything", just remember that those who stand by that saying with the most intensity are only really loyal to themselves. 

Make sure you speak ill of those who have done nothing but supported your every venture, who needs friends when you are on your way up- (God may be a helpful additive as you pray nightly that you don't peak and fall, alone.) 

Love your family, but don't like them- they will alone stand above you, telling you that what you are doing is wrong, pushing their beliefs onto you. They are living wrong too, but as the saying goes- "Do As I Say, Not As I Do".

Claim to love ferociously, but in fact manipulate silently- this is a key point- only fools love, and its those fools we can use as a stairwell to where we want to be. 

Oh, and lie. Lie not to protect yourself, but to protect the few you do love- if you let them see you for who you really are you will lose the small amount that is genuinely dear to you. 

Some of my friends will read this and send me messages of congratulations, calls of- "welcome to the real world"- and all the while, as they celebrate my fall from grace, I will remember, wistfully what it was to be innocent, and good. 

Lets take a walk...

So......I have recently discovered that I am not as attractive as I once either believed I was, or actually was... The extensive night life has clearly taken its toll, and I've decided to spend a fortnight being wholesome and good (and boring).

At ten past eight on Friday morning, my super fit mum burst into my bedroom and declared that we were going on a seven mile hike- with sticks. Who am I to argue, I thought...?

I dressed, with my mum's guidance- I am rarely seen in anything but a dress, so needless to say my hiking clothes are of a limited selection. I ended up in a pair of white and gold Adidas trainers, that were a last minute purchase at the airport on the way to a yoga retreat in Greece. A pair of red and black Scarface jogging's- which were given to me during my time at Touch Magazine, as a novelty rather than a fashion statement. A burnt orange hoodie, one of my usually fashion-wise father's few fashion indiscretions (just because he's gay doesn't mean he will always be on point now people!). My mothers brown puffa jacket and two stunningly shiny and gold walking sticks- DEAD. (Lol).

Anyway, we jumped in the car, zipped off to Richmond Park and went on a two hour and seven miles, hike around the park.

Honestly, it's one of the maddest things I have done in a long while- it really is a different world. Everyone says hello to each other, the cyclists, the runners, the walkers, the deer....

Total jokes, the jokest part being ME, of course.

For part two of my fabulous fortnight tune tune in on Wednesday, when I explore the world of marches, exhibitions, revolt and anarchy- and join the crazy socialists in an exhibition against the G20 summit. I'm excited, reports say that police are on 'red alert' and that 'violence will be met with violence'- I'll be ok though, I'll be with this cool bloke, Chris Knight, revolutionary, anthropologist and grandad to my niece and nephew.

Eat The Bankers, Ya Dun Know...

Get bored much? Ever...?

Well- If you do, then this ones for you!

I fell across a fabulous solution today- although it might only work for the ladies... 

Part 1- Make sure you have terrible time keeping- this is a KEY point. If you are usually on time then don't set an alarm in the morning, or maybe have a long bath, with Lavender and candles,  instead of a quick shower, or even get lost in my blog... 

Part 2- Make an appointment in a busy part of South London- integral as South London is full of hungry men and feisty women. A shopping centre on a Saturday would be preferable. 

Part 3- Throw on a dress you have only worn once, years ago, at night. If you must look yourself over, make sure its in a very badly lit room. 

Part 4- Run out the door, down the road, jump onto the tube- all three of them in my case, and don't allow the realisation to hit home that your dress is totally see through until you're at London Bridge. 

Honestly, shopping in Canada Water has never been so much fun...